Indebted
by Katherine Cruz
Summary: Brian and Justin find their lives intwine no matter what they do. Season Three AU story. Entire cast involved.
1. Chapter One: What Makes You Happy

**Chapter One: What Makes You Happy**

Why the fuck was it that whenever he stood in front of this damn door it felt _right_? No matter where he went, how long he was gone or who he was with, returning here felt like coming home. It should never be the shock it always was. This had been where he lived for the better part of two years.

But when he lived with his parents, it had never felt that way. He'd wanted out. Hadn't felt as if he had ever fit in. And he hadn't. He'd only begun to find who he was right behind the closed door. With the man Justin knew he would find there. He glanced at his watch, choking down the curses that threatened to spill out. He was sure Brian would still be home.  
The only question was…would he find him alone?

Jealousy bloomed quick and sharp before he could shake it off.

It wasn't fair, Justin realized as his fist pounded on the door, that he still felt the green grip of that ugly emotion. He was with Ethan. He loved Ethan. He woke up and went to sleep with Ethan every night. He ignored that, sometimes, between sleep and awake, he would feel large, warm hands. Ache for the familiar expert touch on his morning hard-on. It startled  
him whenever callused, rough, most times clammy hands would jolt him from his sleep.

But that was normal. He'd been sleeping next to Brian for so long, he couldn't remember the days when he hadn't. All he needed with Ethan was time. He ran that thought over and over in his mind. He banged against the steel frame once more and, after a long silence, figured he'd been wrong.

Apparently Brian started earlier these days. He could feel the disgust, the anger that came with that thought and, scowling, turned to the stairs. He had barely taken one step when the door slid open. Brian raised a single eyebrow, surprise evident on his face. Justin took in the white wife beater and worn jeans, button undone, and his mouth went dry.

How the fuck did he manage to make old, torn denim look so good?

"Hey."

Brian seemed at a loss for a fraction of a second. He nodded, face unreadable, and spoke cautiously. "Hey." He stared at Justin expectantly.

Justin scrambled for the words to explain why he was there. There was a sound in the loft and he felt that familiar stab of something he shouldn't be feeling. "Company?" He heard the accusations in his voice and inwardly cringed.

Brian almost smirked, and Justin was glad he didn't. It saved him from getting punched. "Yes." From behind him came laughter, and suddenly Emmett appeared in the doorway.

"Justin, honey!" He rushed toward him, and a crushing hug followed instantly. Justin caught Ted and Michael's faces as they watched from inside. They exchanged a look he couldn't understand completely.

"Hi, Em."

"It's good to see you." Emmett pulled away, grinning.

"It's been a while." Ted also smiled, though not as warmly, Justin noted. Something in his eyes seemed…cold? It was his imagination. "Hi, Teddy."

"Hi, Jus." He glanced over to Brian. "Do you want us to go ahead and you meet us later?"

Brian glanced at Ted, then at Michael, holding the look for several beats, and nodded at them. "Yeah. Go ahead."

"Okay," Michael responded, grabbing Ted's elbow and practically hauling them all out the door. He gave Justin a quick nod before disappearing down the stairs. Justin stared after them for a moment, something odd in their behavior, then returned his eyes to Brian.

"Sorry if I'm interrupting something… I can come back…" He was tongue-tied, which he never was. He let out a frustrated sigh, jumping when he felt Brian's hand on his arm. Rush of heat spread across his skin, inside his chest, setting off shivers that ran up his spine. He was pulled inside and watched as Brian slid the door shut.

Stepping inside the loft, Justin pushed away the jumble of memories and feelings that tumbled through him. He turned and, finding the courage to speak, he blurted out the words… "I need a favor."

"Uh-huh."

Justin swallowed. "I know that's…I mean I don't expect you to help but if you could…it would…I just want…fuck."

Brian tilted his head to one side, pulling a cigarette from the packet on the table and smirking in Justin's direction. "I don't recall you having speech problems when we were--you lived here."

"Me neither. " Justin ran a hand over his hair. Fuck it. He spilled it out quickly. "I need your help to take pictures for the new 'King of Babylon' contest." He waited for a moment before meeting Brian's confused stare.

"What?"

He sighed, letting his bag fall from his shoulder, opening it and digging until he found what he wanted. He handed it to Brian. The paper was wrinkled, folded and stained, but it was still readable. He pointed out a section and said, "After I won, they had me sign the disclosure papers or whatever, and there was an addendum where I agreed to pose for the following year's contest poster."

Brian nodded. "I can read. What the fuck does that have to do with me?"

"They contacted me and told me it was time. They wanted me to come down and pose at some studio and…" Justin shook his head. He knew without looking at him that Brian understood. It was still hard for him to be around strangers or large groups. He hated it, in all honesty. He especially hated being touched or fondled or simply stared at by people he  
didn't know. "They would need me to pose --"

"Naked."

Justin almost blushed. Almost. It was ridiculous that he could after everything he and Brian had…well, he didn't need or want to think of that right at the moment. "Yeah."

"And you're uncomfortable with it."

Justin nodded. "Not the naked." He smiled sheepishly. "Just having someone else…I'm still not…I don't…" He really was quite eloquent tonight, wasn't he?

Brian tilted his head, staring hard. "You hate people. In general, you still don't like strangers touching you. You can't stand attention. I remember," he finished softly. He pointed at himself. "I still don't get why you need my help."

"I talked them into letting someone else take the picture, and in exchange I would make the poster for free."

"So you want me to recommend some photographers?" Brian headed to his desk, mentally tallying and discarding as he went. There was only a handful he could trust. And of those only a few he knew would make Justin feel comfortable.

"No. I already know who."

Brian halted, turned to look at Justin. "Oh?" Then what the hell did he need from him? Justin could practically see the thought form in Brian's mind. It was now or never. He took a deep breath and plunged.

"You."

"I beg your pardon?"

"I said you, Brian. I want you to take it."

The silence was deafening and seemed to stretch forever, until finally Brian cleared his throat, saying quietly, "You want me to do this?" When Justin nodded, he asked, "Why?"

"I trust you."

The words came out without warning, before Justin even knew he was going to say them. It was the truth, he may have happened between them, he knew that he could trust Brian. At least with this.

"And you were there."

Their eyes met briefly and held. Justin swallowed against the lump invading his throat. "You understand…how sometimes I can't…you know. You won't push me when I can't take it. You'll take your time. You won't…hurt me."

"I see."

Justin waited, seeing and empathizing with the struggle in Brian. "I know it's a lot to ask, and you don't owe me anything…seeing as…"

"Don't." Brian held up a hand, cutting Justin off quickly. "It's done. And you didn't do anything to me."

"So, you'll do it?"

Brian sighed. "I'm not a photographer."

"I've seen some of your work, though, Brian. You're good. I just need something to work with. It has to be…sexy…unique. I know you can do that."

He watched as Brian's mouth curved up on one side. "Flattery will get you everything, Taylor." He nodded and then asked, "When do you want to do this?"

"How long will it take, do you think?"

Brian shrugged, thinking before answering. "You'll want choices for the poster, so we'll need several shots… set-up time… It could take an hour, maybe two."

"No better time than the present, I guess."

Brian glanced around them. "Now? Here?"

Justin nodded. "I feel at…ease here. And the sooner I get it done, the sooner it's finished."

Brian searched around Justin. "Do you have anything to wear? Isn't there a crown and a cape and whatever the hell else they wear in the poster?"

Justin shrugged. "I want to get this done quickly. I can just add those in digitally later."

Brian paused. "Does your boyfriend know about this?"

"Does it matter?"

"Not to me, but I'd think…"

"Ethan knows how I feel, Brian. He trusts me."

The implications of that resonated between them, and Brian seemed to accept Justin's statement. No other questions followed. He motioned toward the couch before disappearing into the bedroom. Justin shrugged out of his jacket and, with a heavy sigh, flopped onto the soft cushions. It was new…and leather. Justin ran his hands over the soft coldness.  
He breathed deep, surrounding his senses with Brian's scent. It clung to everything in the loft.

That had been a blessing when he lived there. It had made it easier, especially in those first days, when Brian wasn't around, to still feel his presence…his strength. Later, it had turned into a prison…something he couldn't escape, no matter how much he tried.

There was a thud from somewhere inside Brian's bedroom, and Justin rose slightly, worry creasing his forehead. He called out tentatively. "Brian?"

"What?"

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I just forgot how heavy this fucker was." Brian reappeared through the entrance of his bedroom. Justin watched as he fiddled with, what from his viewpoint was a huge black box, but he guessed was the camera.

"It's really…big."

Justin caught a glimpse of a smile forming on Brian's mouth and bit the inside of his own to keep from smiling at what he knew would be the inevitable response.

"Well, you know what I've always said about size…" Brian threw him a quick grin before returning his full attention to the equipment in his hands. Justin took the chance to study him, seeing slight differences in his face and body. He seemed strained, more tired than he remembered. Justin frowned, his eyes roving over Brian's body. He looked thinner, as well.  
His face slightly…paler than Justin had ever seen. Fear unfurled in his guts as he kept steady eyes on Brian.

Something was off.

"You can take a picture when I get this fucking thing working, it'll last longer," Brian stated quietly. Taking a seat on his new Italian leather couch, he continued to work on the camera, a small crease of frustration evident on his forehead. Justin couldn't tell what was making him anxious…the camera or his attention.

Was that a grimace on Brian's face when he sat down? Justin paced slowly, eyes flicking back to Brian every few seconds. He waited some minutes until he could trust his voice enough to speak. He took in the changes around him. Most noticeably, the lights over Brian's bed. The blue had been replaced by -- orange. Justin smiled at that. Orange was  
the new blue, according to the latest rumblings of the art world.

Leave it to Brian to know that instinctively.

He glanced back at him and finally spoke quietly.

"Is everything okay, Brian?"

He caught the slight pause in Brian's hands before he answered, looking at him directly. "As soon as I can get this goddamn camera to work, we can get started."

Justin sighed, knowing better than to push Brian to answer the question the way he wanted. Maybe he could ask Michael or Debbie. They were bound to know if something was going on with Brian. As soon as he started his shift tomorrow, he'd casually start interrogating Deb. With a definite plan of action, and feeling slightly better for it, he moved closer to where Brian sat. "Can I do anything to help move it along?"

He expected Brian to tell him to fuck off, but instead received a probing stare from him. After a long moment, Brian shrugged. "You could clear out some space by the wall." He pointed behind him. "And move the standing lamps over here. Better lighting."

Justin got to work, clearing the needed space and relocating two of the standing lamps to where they would best work. Brian gave him directions once or twice as he worked. It was familiar…comfortable. But it wasn't. Justin knew if things had been like they were before (he was careful not to think _should have been_…Ethan…Ethan…), he would be talking a  
mile a minute. Telling stories about classes, or something Debbie had said. Maybe even about his new painting. Brian would act annoyed but he'd ask the right questions, proving that he was listening and enjoying it. Of course, Emmett would start sleeping with dykes _again_ before Brian would admit that.

Justin recalled those nights when they hadn't spoken. When they'd just sat there, watching an old movie…or Brian working and Justin sketching…their connection always between them. They'd always ended up fucking in a heap on the floor or the couch or wherever they'd fallen, too overcome with lust and desire to give a shit. He shook his head free from the memories.

This was good, too. This…whatever they had. This quiet that fell over them. The silence was neither oppressive nor intimate now.

It just was.

And, for the moment, Justin was grateful for that.

"Okay." He glanced over his handiwork, satisfied with what he saw, and turned, catching Brian as he looked down and away quickly. Justin ordered his pulse to go back to its normal rate and smiled. "I think we're ready, maestro."

Brian nodded, rising slowly -- a bit too slowly for Justin's liking -- and positioned the, Justin assumed, now working camera onto the tripod that had been set up as well. "Let's get the party started." Justin groaned and Brian bit his lip to hide his smile. "What? Too corny?"

"To say the least, Brian. Please."

"Fine, then. Time to get nekkid, Ms. November!" Brian's eyes glittered with amusement, and Justin laughed at the lecherous stare sent his way.

"You have issues." Justin unbuttoned his shirt, keeping his eyes away from the hazel gaze directed at him.

"So I've heard." Brian's voice broke and Justin paused, daring to look up. He caught that same retreating glance from before and his hands began to shake. Shit.

_Shitshitshitshit._

This had been a bad idea. He opened his mouth to say so, but Brian cut him off. "We can do this, Justin." Their eyes met and Brian nodded at him. "I've seen you." Justin felt -- actually fucking _felt _-- those words inside him and bit back a groan. He nodded and resumed unbuttoning his shirt, his hands now trembling. The cold air of the loft hit his skin and  
he sucked in a breath, goosebumps covering him.

Brian seemed to be concentrating on his positioning of the equipment, and Justin knew he was giving him some room to get used to it. Justin undid his jeans buttons, pushing down and stepping out of them quickly. He bent, making sure to keep his front to Brian, and picked them up. Taking an inordinate amount of time folding and refolding them in an attempt to get a hold of his nerves. This was just Brian, remember…not a hundred strangers putting their hands on him.  
It was just a picture.

He turned to find Brian's sharp gaze focused on him. He nodded jerkily. "I'm ready."

Brian's eyebrow rose. "Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

"'Cause, from where I'm standing, it doesn't look that way."

Justin bit out his name. "Brian." Blue eyes clashed with hazel. "Take the fucking picture."

"It won't do any good if you don't look like you're enjoying this. You're supposed to be King of Babylon. Proud, regal, sex personified." Brian squinted at him. "Right now all I see is…."

Justin's eyes narrowed dangerously. "What?"

Brian shrugged. "Frigid virgin queen."

Justin's mouth fell open. Brian's eyes challenged him, and he knew just what he was doing. "Trying to piss me off?"

"There's no one that compares to you when you're angry. Believe me." Brian clicked on the shutter, the snap of it taking Justin by surprise. He was acutely aware of the camera, of all the people that would be looking at him. He rolled his shoulders to assuage the tension…trying desperately not to see the faces in his mind. Trying to forget the hands, cold,  
hard, sometimes brutal…

He stumbled out his response. "Is that why you went out of your way to piss me off?"

Brian smiled. "What, you think I like fighting all the time?"

Justin nodded. "Yes."

"Good answer." Brian paused, staring at him. "You need to get comfortable, Justin."

"I'm trying."

"You haven't even taken off…"

"I'm aware of that."

Brian sighed. "What's going on? You stripped at Babylon without a problem."

Justin snorted. "Right." He tried to push off the wave of anxiety that reminder brought him. Men touching him when he didn't want them. The blur of nights passing…the look on Brian's face…Sap's hands over him like he owned him. He shuddered, wanting to forget that time. Hating it more now than he did then. He closed his eyes.

"Justin. Look at me."

Justin did as he was told, looking straight into the eyes that probed now. He could feel Brian's hesitation and hoped that he wouldn't ask. But he would. So he answered first. "I barely got through that. All those people's hands on me. Touching and jerking and owning… I felt like shit." He watched Brian's eyes widen. "I wanted to crawl inside a hole and  
never come out. I hated it."

"Why didn't you tell me it was…hurting you?"

"Because you were already against it. You never said it, but I saw it. I saw the disappointment in your face every time I _sold_' myself. You would have made me stop."

"Damn right, I would have."

Justin could almost feel it surface…love. Right at the edge, right underneath…and he pushed it back down into the box where he kept it hidden from everyone. Especially himself. "And I would never have learned what I needed to learn. It worked out in the end."

Brian ran a hand through his hair, eyes blazing. Justin watched him shake it off. He scrubbed his hands on his face before asking, "Okay. So how did you get through that? Maybe it can help now."

He hesitated and Brian caught it.

"What?"

Justin sighed. "I was pretty fucking high most of the time, Brian. Whatever that powder was that Sap gave us worked really well. Combined with drinks, and I barely felt anything for a lot of it. And when that didn't work…"

Brian encouraged him. "You what?"

Justin brought steady eyes to meet Brian's curious ones. "I thought of you."

He saw the surprise filter across Brian's colorless face. He had started his confession, he might as well finish it. "I would close my eyes and pretend it was you. See you. Feel you. And I could get through it. I'd find the strength I needed there." Justin shrugged. "You were that for me then."

He waited for some derisive comment. Some putdown or insult to follow, but there was nothing except Brian's steady gaze.

"Okay," he said slowly. "Then try that."

"I don't think that's a good idea, Brian."

He watched as the other man smirked. "Think of whatever gives you strength now, Justin." Before he realized it, Brian had moved to stand in front of him. His normally warm hands seemed cooler, but their touch still sent shivers up Justin's spine. He gulped when Brian leaned into his ear and commanded, "Close your eyes, Sunshine."

He let his eyes flutter closed and his body, attuned to Brian, responded. He breathed in shallow puffs of air. The knot in his chest tightened and he itched to reach out. To touch and feel, but he clenched his hands against the urge. He listened to Brian's voice.

"Picture whatever gives you strength. Whatever it is that makes you happy."

One finger trailed around his neck, up and underneath his ear, to his cheek. Justin willed his legs to stay steady, to remain upright.

He felt Brian's breath on his skin, his cheek…and suddenly hovering over his lips. He shuddered in a breath, inhaling Brian's heat and scent, somehow different but still all his. They were an inch apart, skin brushing against cloth. He gulped against the painful jerk in his cock and knew that Brian could feel his hardness against his leg.

There was a soft peck once, twice, and Brian breathed words against his mouth. "Do you have it in your mind?"

Justin opened his eyes, meeting Brian's intense, scrutinizing glare. If he moved just a bit, they would be touching…and he ached for that. He knew he did. But he wouldn't. He knew Brian… This was a test. Of Justin. Maybe of himself. He swallowed past need and gave a slight nod. "I can do it now."

He could see Brian's almost smile and breathed a silent sigh of relief when he backed away, heading slowly back to the camera. Justin relaxed, knowing that had been Brian's intent. To try and make him comfortable the only way he thought he could. It made something inside Justin shift. Brian was repositioning the tripod and looked up at him once he was done. He eyed him warmly and motioned to his underwear. "You can remove those now."

Justin gripped the band of his black shorts, keeping his gaze steady on Brian's. He stopped in the process, his mind rejecting the idea. He knew that Brian could see the effect he'd had on him. It was understandable. Nobody could resist him.

Brian saw his fear and quietly repeated the same encouragement as before, his voice full of things Justin didn't want to hear. "I've seen you, Sunshine. It's okay." When that didn't work, Brian continued, "Close your eyes. Think of…whatever makes you happy now."

Justin nodded, pushing his underwear down, letting it fall gracelessly to his feet, and stepping out. He closed his eyes…seeing only Brian…and, opening them, he stared at that same image across from him.

"I'm ready."


	2. Chapter Two: What Once Was

**Chapter Two: What Once Was**

Justin gritted his teeth at the round of applause he received when he entered the diner. It was the same wherever he went that morning. He smiled woodenly, thanking the regulars who shouted congratulations and encouragement. Pushing the swinging door that led into the kitchen, he glared at Frank.

"Don't even think about it."

Frank laughed, shrugging. "I wasn't going to say a word." He pointed a thumb to the storage closet. "She's in there."

Justin marched toward it, almost knocking into the door as it swung open. "Shit!"

"Oh my god, Sunshine." Debbie set down the boxes she was carrying and leaned down to help Justin to his feet. "I'm so sorry, sweetie. I didn't know you were here."

"This is just not my day," Justin mumbled, brushing the crumbs off the seat of his pants. "Debbie- oof!" Debbie launched at him, hugging tightly, and Justin grabbed onto a nearby counter to stop them both from tumbling to the floor.

"Sunshine! I'm so proud of you!" Debbie giggled into his ear and jumped in excitement. "Why didn't you say anything!" She pulled away, glaring at him, hands planted firmly on her hips. "I had to find out from that old fairy, Riley!"

"How the hell did he get one?"

"Honey, they're all over. All the businesses got one. We always do."

"Oh, wonderful." Justin rubbed against the throbbing in his head, closing his eyes in an effort to shake it off. "Debbie, is it necessary to have it up here?"

"Of course it is, baby. We support our employees, you know that. Plus, who wouldn't want to look at that?" She grinned at him and a second later was heading to the front of the diner. Justin watched her go, breathing in and out for several moments after she'd disappeared through the swinging door. Okay. This wasn't so bad. He could get through it.

He reached into his locker for his apron and pulled it over his head, eyes falling on the picture that still hung inside. It was a snapshot of Brian and Gus that he had taken while they had napped together. Back when things had been different. One finger brushed across the still faces, halting abruptly, and Justin snapped the door shut. He couldn't allow his thoughts to wander to the what-ifs that sometimes sprung up in his mind. Pulling tight on the ties, he wrapped them around his waist, tugged them securely and, picking up a tub, headed to the front. Bussing kept his mind busy enough to stop from wishing things he shouldn't.

He noticed Ben enter and gave him a small, nervous wave before clearing the dishes from the counter. He silently prayed that he wouldn't look too closely at the wall near the bathroom. Michael and Emmett entered, followed by Ted a few moments later, and Justin began to chant. He knew the odds were slim that it would go unnoticed, but stranger  
things had happened.

God loved him. He would spare him being here for it. He was a kind, benevolent deity.

"Holy spandex of hotness!" Michael exclaimed. "Will you look at that!"

Justin's eyes closed. Brian was right. God was a bastard.

"That's impressive." Ben's voice had a tinge of awe.

"You think?" Ted smirked, hands shaking at his side. "Jesus, who would have thought it."

"It's not that shocking. I mean, he's one of the best looking of us all."

"Well, yeah…but you know…" Michael gaped. "He's like…like…hot!"

"What are you --- ohmigod!! Justin!!!!" Emmett squealed with delight.

Justin refused to look at them, and he groaned inwardly, cheeks suddenly flaming. He watched his friends -- he supposed they were still that -- from the corner of his eye.

"It's - I have - wow," Michael sputtered, eyes wide and shocked. His mouth hung open and Ben nudged it closed. Any other time, it would have made Justin laugh, but his stomach was recoiling too wildly for that.

"I couldn't agree more."

Justin's head swerved toward the voice and, before he could stop it, his face broke into a grin. Brian returned the smile, coming to stand next to the boys to stare at the poster. Michael turned his head to glance at him and leaned in to whisper, "You let_ that_ go?"

Brian hissed back, "Mikey…shut it."

Lately, Michael had been dropping little jabs here and there about things he had no right to talk about. Brian didn't like it. He walked away from the group and took a seat in one of the empty booths. The others followed, eyes still glued to the poster.

Justin appeared at their side, quietly waiting for their orders. The table broke into applause and he bit his lip to stop from yelling. He counted to five, waiting for the first remark. He knew they meant no harm. It was how they were, so the sooner they got it over with, the better.

"Well, well, Boy Wonder." Michael grinned up at him.

"I don't think 'boy' is the appropriate noun," Ted remarked, staring at Brian, one hand rubbing his eyes. Emmett swallowed nervously, bringing misty eyes to Justin.

"You look fabulous, baby!"

"Thanks. I made the poster." He blurted it out before thinking it through.

"You did a great job, Justin." Ben gave him a thumbs up.

"Yes, he did! Our little Sunshine is talented and a looker! Isn't that right, boys?!" Debbie called from across the room and it broke into whoops and hollers. Justin wished the floor would open up.

Michael smirked at him, teasing. "I'd never seen that side of you before, Justin." He caught the look Brian gave him, grinning in return.

"Ah…I hope not," Ben scolded. There was a smattering of laughter around the table, and Justin relaxed slightly, trying to ignore the warmth he felt in the midst of it all. He realized he'd missed being part of this family. For all their flaws, they were the first ones to accept who he was. No questions. He smiled widely as they all seemed to move on from the  
subject. He was safe.

And then it happened.

"Who took the picture?" Emmett asked. All eyes were on Justin, including a pair of amused hazel ones.

Justin cleared his throat. "I'm sorry, what?"

"I asked who took the picture, sweetie?"

Brian jumped in. "What difference does it make?"

Emmett shrugged, eyes now on Brian. He paused, studying him before saying, a smile twitching at the corners of his mouth, "It's just that there's an intimate feel to it. I'm no photography expert, though I did fuck that Sears portrait guy from Allegheny once." Emmett wiggled his pinky finger and continued. "But you seem _really _comfortable in it."

Justin stuttered. "Well…I…was. I mean…" He wasn't sure how much he was supposed to say. He doubted Brian would want them know. "It was…ah…a friend." He kept his eyes away from Brian.

"Was it the fiddler?" Ted asked sharply.

Justin sent him a angry look but simply shook his head.

"Must be a good friend, then." Ted glared at Brian. "Ethan must not be happy that someone else took that."

Justin glared at him. "Ethan trusts me."

"So, who took it?"

Justin took a deep breath. He was close to telling them all to go to hell.

"I took it."

Everyone froze, eyes swinging from Brian to Justin and back. "Justin asked me for help. I gave it to him. End of story." Brian stared at each of them for a few long seconds before turning his gaze to Justin, winking slyly at him. "Now, can we fucking order, please?" That was the end of it. The great Kinney had spoken.

Justin smiled back brightly, his heart beating faster at the familiar look he saw there. He mouthed a "Thank you" to Brian, receiving a smile in return. Justin gulped past whatever was now throbbing in his chest and asked, "You guys ready?"

Ben nodded. "Wheaties." He was aware they were making Justin uncomfortable. And he could tell that Ted was wound up tight. He noticed Michael open his mouth to say something and kicked him pointedly in the shin.

"Ouch!" Michael sent him daggers but said nothing. He glanced at Brian, who was ignoring them all. "I guess I'll have the lumberjack special."

"So, Justin…I had no clue you were into that kind of exposure." Ted's voice was tight, and Justin glanced at him. His eyes seemed unfocused and hazy. He knew Ted had been having a hard time since his business had come under fire. "You know, porn isn't kosher these days. Right, Brian?" Justin looked back and forth between the two friends, sensing  
there was more than he knew.

Emmett tugged at his shirt. "Teddy, please. Let it go."

"What?" Ted snatched his arm away and smiled thinly. "You better be careful or your ex's new friend might come after you for public indecency. I'm surprised Brian would do that. I mean we all know how much he cares for his friends." Ted gritted his teeth. "You have to be especially careful there, Sunshine. You have a history, don't you? Sap's little go-"

Brian's voice cut off the remark. "Can I get two eggs, toast, and an orange juice?" He glared at Ted. "And, Theodore, one more fucking word and I'll rip your balls off one at a time. Got it?"

"You're defending him now? Helping him? The guy that leaves you -- you, Brian fucking Kinney -- gets some respect, but I -- one of your oldest and dearest friends -- don't." Ted's voice, full of anger and hurt, rose with each word, and the room fell into silence.

"Teddy. Stop," Emmett begged, glaring at his partner. "It's not Justin's or even Brian's fault."

"Of course it's Brian fault! You're letting that motherfucker come after us!" Ted shoved Emmett hard, almost to the floor, as he pushed his way out of the booth and stomped to the door. Emmett started to follow but Ben's hand stopped him. "Let him go. He needs to cool off."

Emmett nodded. "He's just under a lot of stress," he said by way of apology. "He didn't mean any of that." He glanced at Brian without a word, returning to his menu.

Brian leaned forward in his seat. "What the fuck is he on, Emmett?"

Justin stared in shock at Brian. No. Ted? Wouldn't-even-take-an-energy-tablet, Ted? What the hell had been going on? He'd escaped into his little world with Ethan and abandoned those around him. He studied Brian's face, seeing the fatigue in his eyes as he argued quietly with Emmett.

"It's fine, Brian. He can handle it," Emmett snapped. "Can we get our breakfast, please? I'll have the usual."

Brian sighed, shaking his head. "I'm late for an appointment." He waited as Ben and Michael scooted out to let him through and moved towards the register, ignoring the whispered conversation and pointed looks. He glanced at up as Justin approached, handing him some bills. "I'm paying for them."

"Are you going to wait for breakfast?"

"I don't have the time."

His hand brushed Brian's as he took the money, and their eyes met. That unspoken energy crossing the space between them. Brian spoke softly, just for him. "You did good, Sunshine." Brian's head motioned to the poster, his eyes straying to Justin's lips and back up. Something dark and nameless there.

Justin looked away quickly as he took the bill, adding up the meals mentally. He couldn't let this happen. This feeling that swept over him now. He took a deep breath and, starting to give Brian his change back, glanced up to see him gone.

He should let him go.

The money in his hand, he ran out the door, calling out for Brian before he got into his car. He caught up to him and, breathless, raised the hand with the money. "You forgot your change."

Brian quirked an eyebrow. "No, I didn't. Keep it." He shoved his briefcase into the backseat. Justin shook his head at him, feeling that same kick in the stomach now as he had the first time he'd seen the 'Vette. It reminded him of the things that weren't. Of what once was but was now gone. "Brian, that's almost a thirty dollar tip. I can't accept that." He motioned for Brian to take the money and was duly ignored. Sighing, he shoved the change into his apron pocket and watched Brian circle to the other side.

"Listen, about what happened in there…you didn't have to do that." Justin smiled softly. "But I wanted to thank you for…." His hand waved in the air between them helplessly.

Brian shrugged. "Don't let what Ted said bother you. It was about me, not you."

"He's really pissed at you, isn't he?"

Brian laughed mirthlessly. "They all are to some degree. Debbie barely looks at me these days."

Justin heard it. That tone Brian would hide from them all. Desperate and sad, but resolved. "Why are you doing it?" Since their impromptu shoot, Justin had tried to catch up on what was happening around him. He could no longer ignore Debbie's anger toward Brian or the panic that seemed to be seeping through the streets. Something was threatening them.

Brian looked over the car to him, his eyes bleak and hopeless. "Because I need to, Sunshine." He climbed in the car, starting the engine. The passenger door opened and Justin was inside, closing it behind him soundly.

Brian cursed silently. His defenses weren't what they once were nowadays. He couldn't deal with this.

"I don't know what's going on, but I know you, Brian. Fucking Stockwell? You hate him. I can see it in your eyes whenever someone even remotely mentions his name." Justin silently willed Brian to look at him. He leaned closer, seeing that same bleakness in his eyes. "You hate this."

"You know that, do you?"

Justin nodded. "I do. Since that night last month, I thought we'd gotten back to being…friends."

Brian snorted. "We were never friends, Sunshine."

"You were my friend," Justin insisted. "Before everything happened. And, whether you believe it or not, I know you. Don't give me that look. I know when you're hiding away. I know when you're swallowing down anger. It happened enough between us at…the end. You hate what's happening." Justin shook his head. "Which is why I don't get what you're doing it for."

Brian spoke firmly. "He's my ticket out of here. Plain and simple."

"So, fuck all who get in his way? No matter that you care about them. You'll let them burn for Stockwell."

Brian schooled his face, glancing at Justin. "If that's what I have to do. " He made his laugh cold at Justin's obvious disappointment. "You know better than most the kind of bastard I am. Now get the fuck out." He looked away, waiting for the sound of the door, that crushing ache that would follow, but it never came. What he heard was Justin's deep sigh and, moments later, felt warm fingers on his cheek.

"I know better than most the bastard you _pretend _to be, Kinney." The fingers tucked stray hair behind Brian's ear, caressing it softly, and Brian fought against the torrent that threatened to spill. The now constant weariness overcame him, and his eyes closed. Pain coursing through like blood in his veins. He wanted to whimper, to give in, but he willed it  
to stay down, ignoring the reaction his body had with Justin so near.

"I said get the fuck out."

The hand stopped at his neck, rubbing it softly. "You're better than this, Brian." With that parting shot, Justin climbed out of the car, Brian watching as he jogged down the block and disappeared into the diner.

His hand banged against the steering wheel, causing the pain to pulse up his arm. "Fuck." It gripped his chest and he breathed, eyes watering. He needed to leave now. He wanted to forget the words that echoed in his mind, the voice that haunted him. That always left him aching for something different. That almost made him regret.

_"You're better than this, Brian."_


	3. Chapter Three: Waking In Dreams

**Chapter Three: Waking in Dreams**

_"I'm ready."___

_You're surprised at the calmness in your voice, because - inside - it's chaos. Buildings falling, worlds colliding and spinning out of control, and you in the center of it. With nothing to hold onto, to keep from throwing you into an infinite oblivion. You can feel trembles in your fingers, will them to stop. Take a breath….just breathe…in and out…___

_"Look at me."___

_You obey because it's him, and you always do. You hold in some form of a gasp when his bleak eyes take you in, focusing on some point on your skin. This had been a bad idea. He's too close now. In every way. Loss of physical proximity had helped, made it easier to forget or pretend to forget how he made you feel. Shivers and colors and warmth and fucking longing…___

_"Turn your head down some, Justin."___

_You stiffen, shove away the thrill you get when he does that, and do as he says. He rarely called you by your name. He had a number of nicknames…some, like "little shit," used in annoyance or amusement…others, like "Sunshine," when he meant to be sweet. Well, if anyone could call him sweet. But "Justin," he only used in the throes of emotions…when __  
__he was inside, filling you, owning…and your name fell from his lips like a prayer.___

_Your mind so wrapped up in these thoughts that you don't hear his approach, only the sound of his breathing, the feel of it across the nape of your neck where he was -- fuck. He dropped one kiss, another, and yet another, leaving a trail of moisture behind.___

_"Justin."___

_There it was again. Your name in that tone…with that emotion, and you turn your head to peek at him from behind your shoulder. His eyes lock on yours, and he kisses what he can reach of your mouth. "You need to relax. It's just me."___

_You shrug helplessly. "I can't." It was the truth. Every nerve ending tingled in his presence, tightened and threatened to snap at his voice. It was never easy -- it would never be.__  
__His hands, always surprisingly soft and warm, reach for you, and you can breathe…you feel life surging through you. He trails one finger over your forearm and you lean back. You can feel the rising and falling of his chest, the sound of his heartbeat, and it's home.___

_"Brian."___

_He seems to stop breathing for a moment, and you wonder if he'll stop now. If you had broken the spell you seem to be under. There's something almost surreal about it. It can't be this easy, this right…___

_You forget everything when his lips fall on your bare shoulder, biting gently, lapping the mark with his tongue. Desperate, needy hands fall to your waist, holding you firmly, and you could give a shit if the pressure leaves bruises. You fall into the swirl of emotions and urgency that permeates from him. It makes you smile, giggling from happiness wanting to spurt out.___

_He still wants you.___

_You reach behind, your hand finding the back of his head, caressing his hair. He lets his chin fall on your shoulder, and there's a sigh of contentment loose in the air. You're not sure which one of you released it and realize it doesn't matter. He nudges his face into the curve of your neck, dropping kisses, murmuring words against your skin. His roaming hand __  
__finds you hard and leaking, grasps tightly, and your pleasure vibrates in your throat. Thumb stroking over the sensitive tip, breath in your ear, and his plea shimmers down your back.___

_"I want inside."___

_Suddenly, you seem to hover in the air, feet no longer touching solid ground, and you moan some semblance of his name. You gyrate to his movement and you know this isn't real. It can't be. It feels too… His hand shifts under, brushing against your throbbing balls. He plays with the soft covering of hair, and you hear his laugh as he shifts. He pulls away, kissing the side of your face as he secures you around the waist with one arm. You feel his hand trail slowly down your back, rubbing softly on the flesh he touches…one finger now circling rings around your aching, puckered hole.___

_"Oh god."___

_You cry out when one digit enters gently, stretching….heat and friction fight and blend. Through the rush of colors across your senses, your name falls from his lips. You push back hard, begging now, and another finger joins the first. You bend over, the arm holding you saving you from collapse. Trying for more…needing him to fill you. You find your voice. "Please. Fuck me."___

"You want me, baby?"

_You freeze at the words… Brian would never… Your eyes refuse to open, to lose this place, but the feel of him is different. The finger no longer coaxes…no seduction breathes on your skin…touching your fractured soul…___

_It feels wrong. You recoil against, uncomfortable, and your feet hit the floor hard. Something pinches, pushes too hard, and you grimace….___

"My Jus wants it bad this morning."

Justin's eyes flew open, taking in the scene around him. Dingy beige walls met his gaze, and his heart grew heavy with grief. He had been there. Home. Tears formed around the edges of his vision and he forced them back. He could feel Ethan against his back, his clammy touch on his skin. Inside places that in his dreams had been someone else's.

He was a liar, but fuck if he would become a hypocrite.

"Ethan." Some knot in his throat made it sound more a croak than syllables, but it seemed to register. Ethan paused, still inside but no longer moving. "Am I hurting you, baby?"

Justin forced his face to remain impassive, pushed away the grimace right beneath the mask, and nodded. "Yeah. A little." Justin shifted away, glad when he felt Ethan leave, and sighed at the emptiness.

"I'm sorry. From the happy sounds, I thought you were enjoying it."

Justin resisted the urge to roll his eyes at the petulant note in Ethan's voice and turned halfway to look at him. He reached a hand to his face and smiled. "I'm sorry. I guess the shock of waking up…" The excuse petered away and he knew that Ethan wasn't buying it. He realized he didn't care. "I have to work."

Ethan sighed, reaching for his arm and pulling down. "Come on, Jus. You've been working all week." He grinned up at him. "Let's go to the conservatory. I wrote something new for you."

Justin managed to stifle the retort that sprang into his mind. Instead, he pulled away gently, smiled thinly. "We need the money, Ethan." He glanced back as he walked to the bathroom. "Besides, after Teddy's arrest, Debbie's been too distracted to be any good. She needs me there."

He closed the bathroom door hard, cutting off whatever Ethan's reply might have been. The reflection in the mirror looked haggard, even sad, and Justin ran a hand through his hair, watching as the image mimicked him.

It was still unbelievable that Ted had been arrested for running a gay porn site. That was the real reason, and the whole world knew, even if no one would say it. He felt anger take over that warm, fuzzy place he'd found in his dreams. Fucking Stockwell. Homophobic son-of-a-bitch was determined to hurt them. The anger doubled when he thought of Brian helping that asshole.

He would never have guessed that Brian Kinney would turn on his own. On the only ideals he ever upheld. There was the smallest part of him that still didn't quite believe it. Brian would never… Something else was going on.

And fuck if he wasn't going to find out what.

He turned on the water, finding his brush and adding toothpaste, absentmindedly going through his morning routine. Avoiding the hazy remnants of dreams that threatened to spill forth. In the light of day, it would hurt a thousand times more…

_"Please, Brian. I'm begging you. Help. Him."___

Brian's head lay on the cold surface of his desk, one hand fisted, pounding a rhythm on his thigh, the other buried in his hair. The pain inside and out would fade away with time, he repeated in his mind.

That had been unfair.

He knew no one could have possibly known the power Emmett had over him. Each in their own way did. Yet he made sure to never show any vulnerability. And he had been ready for him. He was no fool. He knew Emmett loved Ted, and that eventually he would show up, like Debbie had, screaming his anger and demanding he do something.

He had prepared for _that_.

Not the quiet, desperate submission he had witnessed. Not the swallowing of his pride and begging for help.

"Shit."

It was Emmett that, with flourish, unrelenting optimism, and quiet understanding, had won over Brian from almost the first instant. He had seen this vulnerable, sweet, but damn brave boy become a man. He had felt that first burst of lust he'd had (because Emmett was beautiful) turn into protective brotherly instincts. No one had been more surprised than he  
was about that.

Emmett had been -- before Justin, and his own son -- the baby of his chosen family. The youngest and most dearly loved member. And Brian still saw him that way. Out of all the boys, Emmett had never once asked him for anything. Never demanded.

And when he disapproved, it was quietly. Never openly berating him. Only letting him know through looks and silences what he was thinking. It was Brian's favorite trait in Emmett.

_"Deep down, you care about us."___

Fuck if he wasn't right. Not that Brian was admitting that to anyone, least of all himself.

When Ted had come to him, pleading for assistance, there had been that sharp pang he always felt when the ones he cared about would ask him for anything. Of course, as always, it was ignored, and relief flooded when Ted had cursed at him. God knows, even if he could help…

But Emmett…that had been love. Sacrifice. Brian understood that. Admired it. Looking at Emmett, blue eyes red and filling with tears, he knew it was a done deal. He would get Ted out of this mess. Somehow.

Head raising, he leaned back, staring intently at the ceiling, seeking answers he knew wouldn't come. He tapped his fingers, mind whirling…thinking…

His hand stopped, one thought slowly forming, and he sat upright. He pushed the intercom, calling out to his assistant. "Cynthia."

"Yes, Brian?"

"Set up a meeting with Stockwell." The name stuck in his throat, and disgust, which was becoming familiar, coiled in him. He glanced at the newspaper. Ted's scared face stared at him. "Make it at the racquetball court."

"You got it."

He folded the paper in half, hiding the accusing eyes from his sight, and ran one hand through his hair.

This had better fucking work…

"You look like shit."

"Thanks." Justin took a hit of the joint that Daphne held out to him. He let it burn a path through him, smoke trailing from his mouth as he spoke. "You're a fucking confidence booster."

She grinned maniacally. "What are best friends for?"

"Fuck if I know."

Her hand smacked the back of his head and he forced a laugh. He glanced over at her, speaking quickly. "I had a dream." He placed the emphasis on "dream" and watched Daphne's face twist in disgust.

"I don't want to know.'

"Daphne…"

"No. Please. I'm already traumatized enough with your choice. Do not make me listen to the details of your dream sex life with Ethan."

"Who was talking about Ethan?" Justin muttered, peeking from the corner of his eye and catching her confused expression. He couldn't blame her. He was lost on what to do with all he felt. Maybe if he talked about it…"I was talking about Brian."

Daphne practically screeched to a halt. Her mouth gaped open, but Justin could see the happy light shining from her eyes. "Brian?!" She made a disbelieving noise, and with hands held out asked, "But I thought you said you were over him?" She couldn't hide the thrill in her voice.

Justin shrugged. "I thought so, too."

"Well, what happened?"

"I dreamt about him last night. Somehow he learned how to levitate and we were fucking mid-air…almost."

"Almost mid-air or almost fucking?" Daphne laughed when he hit her arm with his hand.

"It's not funny, Daph. What the hell is wrong with me?"

She raised one eyebrow, staring intently at him. "You really want me to answer that? 'Cause, really, you won't like what you hear." They continued their walk in silence."You think I made the wrong choice, don't you?"

Daphne shrugged. "I think you made the choice you needed to make."

"But you don't agree with it."

"I'm not here to agree. My role is supporting player in your little melodrama. Supporting being the operative word."

Justin glared at her. "Admit it. You think it was a stupid decision."

Daphne snorted. "Stupid isn't exactly the word I'd use."

They reached the bus stop and the conversation ended abruptly. He was heading to Debbie's before his shift, and Daphne had a date with the library. They agreed to meet later at Woody's, and she kissed his cheek before crossing the street and grabbing a cab.

Justin watched her go.

She was right.


	4. Chapter Four: Pretending To Be

**Chapter Four: Pretending to Be**

"So, what you're saying to me is that I have to pretend to be something I'm not?" Justin's voice cracked slightly, his eyes pinning Ethan down. "That's fucked."

"That wasn't what I said, Jus. You're not listening."

"No. I am listening. You want me to hide." He felt the heated grip of anger inside his chest, constricting and crushing. Justin wanted to hit something. Fucking hard. "Pretend I don't exist?"

Ethan shook his head, annoyance making his voice like ice. "I never said that. I don't want you to hide. We just need to be careful." He snapped his carrier shut and glanced at Justin. "All that Glen is asking is that we don't publicize our relationship."

"I see. So he wants you to jump into the closet, and you want me to keep you company there?"

"Fuck! Justin, that is not what I want."

"Uh-huh."

"Not publicizing does not mean hiding. It means keeping it to ourselves."

Justin rolled his eyes. "Right. Right. Okay, let me ask you this. When someone asks you who I am, what are you going to say?" Ethan's face registered surprise and Justin knew he'd stumped him. He laughed bitterly, shaking his head. This was not happening. "Fine. When they ask you if you're seeing anyone, what are you going to say?"

"The truth, of course!" Ethan threw his hands in the air. "Damn it, Justin! This is my fucking career. My. Career. I don't have the freedom to…"

"To what? Tell the truth." Justin closed his eyes, speaking slowly. "Living a lie is not how I chose to do it, Ethan. No fucking way will I hide. Not for you or anyone."

"I never wanted you to do that, but can't you understand where I'm coming from?"

"No." Justin shook his head. "I can't."

"Jesus. When did you become a selfish prick, Justin?" Ethan spit out, grabbing his case and heading to the door. He flung it open, almost knocking Daphne down as he rushed past her. She made a face at his back, waving a hand.

"Nice to see you too, Ethan." She entered the apartment, closing the door soundly behind her. "Asshole." Her eyes scanned the one room and she sighed, biting her tongue. Not one fucking word. She was not going to say anything. Her eyes fell on Justin, leaning against the wall, eyes closed, and she frowned. "Hey. Are you okay? What happened?"

Justin sighed. "We had a fight."

Daphne's face lit up. "Really?"

Justin opened his eyes to glare at her. "Do you mind not sounding so excited about it, Daph?"

She had the sense to look slightly apologetic. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. What happened?"

"His agent told him that he couldn't let anyone know he's gay, and he wants me to pretend along with him."

Daphne looked confused. "Who gives a shit who a violinist is fucking?"

Justin shrugged. "Don't ask me."

"Well, you told him where he could stick that fucking idea, right?" She stared at the door, wishing she'd tripped the jackass on her way in.

There was silence, and she looked at Justin, her eyes wide. "Justin, you're not seriously thinking of…"

"I told him no."

"Good."

He looked at her. "It's his career, Daphne. What he has worked for his entire life. How fair is it to ask him to give that all up?"

Daphne stared at him, horrified. "No. No fucking way are you feeling bad about this."

"I didn't even listen." He rubbed a hand on his face, blue eyes dulled. "I didn't hear him out or even give it a chance. Isn't that what I'm supposed to do? Compromise?"

"It's not fair that he ask you to pretend to be something you're not. Damn it, Justin, you almost fucking died coming out."

"I know that!"

"Then you know lying about it isn't you." She crossed her arms. "You know, maybe Brian wasn't everything you _thought_ you wanted in a boyfriend, but he never made you lie."

"Please." He couldn't think about Brian right now. Those bleak hazel eyes staring into his, telling him he couldn't let others dictate who he was. He shoved away the image. "That's not a fair comparison, anyway. Brian wasn't starting out."

"So?" Daphne held her hands out. "What fucking difference does that make? You really think he ever pretended to get where he is?" She shook her head. "I doubt it."

Justin snorted. "He's fucking working for an asshole who hates us, Daphne. Not exactly the poster child for gay pride."

Daphne shook her head. "Whatever that's about has more to do you with your breakup than anything-"

Justin scowled. "That's enough. Just drop it."

"But Justin…"

"Drop. It." He picked up his jacket and motioned to the door. "Let's go." He walked past Daphne, refusing to hear the voice in his head that told him he had to be the best homosexual he could be. The one that gave him the choice… that always gave him the choice.

"I fucking hate this." Brian whispered harshly, dropping his head on the desk. He couldn't keep this up. It was grinding against every fiber of who he was.

Cynthia patted his shoulder. "Then why the hell are you, Bri?"

He smiled at that. Good old Cynthia could always be counted on to ask the hard questions. He shrugged, head coming up to look at her. "Because I want to get the fuck out of the Pitts. And this is my ticket."

She stared at him. "Maybe it's not worth it."

He'd been having the same thoughts lately. They sneaked in when he wasn't paying attention. Nagging in Debbie's voice. He shuddered, leaning his head down again at the wave of nausea that suddenly hit him. "Fuck." He closed his eyes, counting to ten like he was supposed to. He heard the clink of glass and turned his head to see a glass of water  
on the desk.

Raising his head, he glanced at Cynthia, who looked at it pointedly. "Drink it." She was silent while he gulped it down. But he knew her well. That wouldn't last.

"You can tell me it's none of my business…that I should butt out…but Brian-"

Brian glanced at her. "It none of your fucking business. Butt out.

"You need to tell someone."

He almost wanted to smile. "Let it go."

"Brian…"

He looked up at her. "Let it go."

She paused for only a second before nodding. "Okay. I'll set up that meeting you wanted with _Eyeconics_."

He called after her as she opened the door and met her worried gaze.

"I appreciate it."

She only gave him a silent nod before exiting, and he waited until the door had closed behind her to let his head fall on the desk once more. He had to go home. His cell phone rang and he nearly threw it across the room. Glancing at the caller ID, he sighed and answered. "Hey. What's the news?"

The voice on the other end spoke calmly, slowing… almost soothingly. And, as he listened, Brian's hand began to tremble. His eyes closed and he nodded.

"Okay. What do I have to do?"

"Sunshine." Debbie threw her arms around him, squeezing, and Justin tried his best not to let out a squeak. He glanced over her shoulder into the room, not meeting Michael's stare. He was not in the mood to deal with him.

"Hi, Deb." He pulled away and smiled at her. Raising his hands to show the bags he held, he said, "Brought some comfort food. Thought maybe we could use it."

She nodded somberly. "We can. We still don't know what's going on with Ted. But, sweetie, you shouldn't have spent your money on us." She smiled at Daphne as she spoke. "Hi, sweetheart. How are you?"

"I'm good, Deb. Thanks. I'm so sorry about all the shit poor Ted is going through."

"Thank you, baby." She waved them in, heading with the bags to the kitchen and coming back with full plates of her home-cooking.

Justin smiled. "I should have known you'd be prepared."

Vic laughed. "Debbie likes to think marinara sauce is the remedy for everything." He winked at her. "Practically cured me, didn't it?"

Justin laughed at the look Debbie sent Vic. He missed spending time in this house. He'd refused to think about the fact that he hadn't seen them outside of the diner since he and Ethan had gotten together. It wasn't on purpose. Things were just different. He looked over at Michael, who seemed in deep conversation with Ben. Okay, maybe it had been on  
purpose. He couldn't handle another of Michael's speeches.

Sensing Justin's stare, Michael looked up and simply nodded before returning to what he had been doing. Justin frowned. That was strange. Michael never once turned down an opportunity to tell Justin what an idiot he was for leaving Brian. What the hell was going on?

"Jus-jus!"

He looked up in surprise as Gus came down the stairs on Lindsey's hip, stretching chubby little arms in his direction and sending him the same crooked smile his father had. Justin stood up, meeting Lindsey as she came around the couch. He took the squirming two-year-old from her, planting a kiss on her cheek as he did. "Hey, Lindz. Hey, Gus!!"

"Jus!" The two-year-old patted Justin's cheeks affectionately, and he couldn't help but laugh.

"It's me, kiddo."

He set him down on the floor, joining him a second later, and they spent ten minutes playing with the toy trucks and cars scattered all over the floor. Justin glanced up at Debbie as she walked past for the twentieth time. "Deb. It's going to be okay. Mel will figure it out."

Daphne agreed. "Yeah, Deb. She's really good, right? Everything will be fine."

Debbie nodded. "I hope so. It's been hours since she called, though." She glared at the phone and continued to pace. "That fucking Stockwell. If it weren't for his homophobic ass, none of this would be happening." She shook her head. "And goddamn Brian."

Justin suppressed the need to say something. He wanted to stop the rant that was coming, needed to defend, but there was nothing he could say. No valid excuse he could make for Brian. He was wrong to work for Stockwell. Period.

"Fucking asshole. You would think, seeing as he sticks his dick in every guy he can, he would be the first to protect queers."

"We don't know what he's thinking, Deb." Daphne stated quietly, looking at Justin as she spoke. "Maybe he has his reasons."

"What good reason could there be? Hell, what bad fucking reason could there be?" Debbie was furious, and somewhere in her where she wouldn't admit it, she was terrified that they had lost Brian for good. The boy she knew once had disappeared completely and she couldn't do anything to stop it.

The door opened suddenly and a grinning Emmett entered. "Hello, all. I now give you a free Theodore Schmidt!" He clapped his hands as Ted appeared through the door, tired, disheveled, and more than a little worn out. But the relief in his face was evident.

Debbie crushed him in a hug. "Teddy! Oh, baby, I'm so happy to see you're okay." She pulled away and turned to Mel, giving her a gentler hug. "Thank you so much for whatever you did."

Mel shook her head. "It wasn't anything I did, Deb."

Justin watched as everyone greeted Ted. Hugging, kissing… letting him know how much they missed him. He saw the look in his friend's eyes and stood up to welcome him. He hugged him tightly. "I'm glad you're okay, Teddy."

There was a slight response and then Ted pulled away, smiling before walking to Emmett, who threw his arms around him. Justin smiled at them, then turned to Mel. "How did you do it?"

Mel looked at him, pausing before she spoke, as the room suddenly became silent. "Like I said, I didn't do anything. Let's just say that Teddy has some friends in high places." She let the words sink in and then turned to take her son from Lindsey.

Justin looked at Daphne, who grinned at him triumphantly and mouthed, 'See?'

Ben held his hand out to Vic, who was digging into his wallet. "Pay up."

"I can't believe it."

Ben smiled. "Like I said, sometimes you've got to think the best of people."

Justin turned to look at Debbie, whose face registered shock, happiness, and something else he couldn't quite make it out. He could hear Teddy and Emmett talking.

"I still can't believe he did it."

"Well, you know how great your powers of persuasion are, Teddy."

The doorbell rang, and Justin glanced around the room. No one else seemed to have heard it. They were gathering around Mel for details, though, from the look of it, she wasn't about to tell them anything. The bell rang again and he headed for the door, taking his jacket as he did. He needed to do something.

Flinging the door open, he looked up and felt his mouth turn up into his famous smile before he realized it had. A small laugh escaped as he spoke.

"Brian."


	5. Chapter Five: Running From Fate

**Chapter Five: Running from Fate**

It was fucking freezing. That was the only thought Brian allowed to run through his mind as his feet crunched on the newly fallen snow that had turned into a thin layer of ice. How the hell had it managed to snow so early? Goddamn Pitts. Another reason to want to get the hell out. Brian clenched his jaw and shook his head. That wasn't going to happen any time soon, if he was honest. And he was always honest.

His mind flashed to the warmth of sunshine, and he made a derisive sound. Almost always.

Debbie's house appeared in his line of vision, and he hoped the walk from the car had made a sufficient difference. He knew he couldn't take any questions. Especially from Debbie. She was fucking relentless. The more he told her to mind her business, the more she took it as an invitation. He shoved away the emotion that bloomed inside at that thought, because he couldn't take her brand of love… not tonight.

He just needed to get in and get out of that house. With the least amount of talking or complications. He prayed that the person he was looking for was actually there, otherwise he had no idea where to look next. He adjusted the collar on his brand new Armani coat and rang the bell. He could hear voices… more than a few different ones… and he sighed.

Just what he fucking needed. A goddamn audience.

His chest hurt slightly, and he leaned against the door frame, closing his eyes. He was tired tonight. More so than usual, but he knew that was to be expected. And that it would only get worse. Pushing away, he brushed one hand through his hair, ignoring the trembling of his legs.

There hadn't been any response, so he pushed the button again, willing them to shut the hell up and let him inside. He was prepared to face anything in there if he could get out of the cold and sit for a minute.

The door opened and he was greeted with a pair of crystal blue eyes, wide with surprise, and seconds later, the light of a smile he only got to see in his dreams. "Brian."

Shit.

_Sunshine.___

There was a long pause where they only stared at each other, and Brian swallowed back the groan that goddamn smile elicited from him… that made him want to grab golden hair in his hands…

The fates…. universe… God… whatever the fuck was in control really hated him.

He told his heart to slow the fuck down when Justin took his arm and brought him inside. He wasn't affected by that tone in Justin's voice. The one he'd used before the reality of who Brian was and what he could never be had replaced it with an acid, cold one.

But he had heard it, and when he looked into blue eyes, he saw it… there. That emotion Brian refused to acknowledge, and he fought against dragging his blond up the stairs… Shit… he had to get the hell out of here.

He found his voice when he noticed that they were being inspected by several pairs of eyes. He turned to the room, slowly removing his gloves and smirking at them all. "What the fuck is going on here?" This was what he needed, to find a way to gain back his equilibrium back.

"We're just celebrating that Teddy is a free man!" Debbie threw her arms around Ted, squeezing tightly.

Brian breathed a silent sigh of relief. He hadn't been sure if his little talk with Stockwell had actually done anything. He was certain the asshole would want to keep his family-friendly image intact for the campaign, and using Ted as a scapegoat for his crusade… well, that was exactly what he needed. Apparently, Brian's well-timed argument had won him over. He would have to rack his brains now trying to find some new distraction for the would-be mayor.

He briefly met Emmett's eyes from across the room and returned his imperceptible nod with one of his own. Ignoring the little wink he sent him, he looked away. In that instant, he felt sharp blue eyes on him and turned to meet them. There it was again. That fucking smile….

He really needed to go. He averted Justin's gaze and was met with an equally unwanted one from Debbie. She was smiling gently at him, looking at him in "that way" that made him feel like he was fourteen years old again and had aced his Biology exam. Next thing he knew, she would be offering him some…

"Brian, honey, you look a little pale. Are you hungry? Do you want some lasagna?" She stood next to him, smoothing back the hair that had fallen across his forehead, and for just one moment, he leaned into her warm, comforting hand - that fourteen year old that lived inside him craving his mother's touch.

Pulling back, he shook his head. "It's after seven, Deb." He saw her roll her eyes, but without another word, she walked away from him. It was then that he heard the little voice calling him.

"Daddy!"

He walked past Ben, who had quietly been watching him this whole time, pausing when the other man's hand squeezed his shoulder kindly. It dropped almost as quickly, and he was grateful. He couldn't take all this silent adoration. Finding his son on the floor, he bent his knees and met the blue eyes that twinkled at him. He grinned for the first time in… he  
couldn't remember… and pulled Gus to him. "Hi, Sonnyboy."

He held on as his son's small arms wrapped around his neck, and he swallowed against the lump that formed in his throat when he felt the small peck of a kiss on his cheek. He felt that steady blue gaze on him again and he pulled back, looking only at Gus. "What are you doing here, kiddo?" He glanced up at Lindsey, avoiding the sweet look she was giving him. To her right, he found determined brown eyes glaring at him intently. He held them for one long second and turned to glance behind him.

Justin was staring at him, like Brian knew he would be… that intelligent look clouded with uncertainty… and Brian knew he couldn't stay much longer. Soon there would be questions he couldn't answer. Daphne blew him a kiss as he walked by but made no other move toward him, and he winked at her. He could always count on her not to go girly on him.

He walked to Michael, hugging him quickly as he dropped a kiss on his cheek. Vic's hand grabbed his as he walked by him, knowing eyes probing his, and for once Brian couldn't hide. There was a quiet moment that passed between them, and he was glad when his hand was set free.

It was clear he was avoiding Ted or Emmett at all costs, and he could care less. He didn't want to be thanked, and he knew without a doubt that, if he allowed it, they would. He hadn't done anything.

"I need to take a piss," he said rapidly. Knowing he would have to pass Justin on his way up and preparing for that small contact, he steeled against it. He managed to make it to the stairs, two steps from where Justin was -- close enough to feel heat, to smell his scent -- before he was accosted by Debbie. She grabbed tightly onto his arm and almost dragged  
him toward the sofa. "I made you a plate. Sit."

"Debbie, I told you don't -"

"I know what you fucking said. But you look ready to fall down. You never eat, Brian. So, sit the fuck down and eat this." She shoved a plate in his hands and proceeded to force him down…

Justin watched Brian as he made his way through the room. He had been so happy to see him… thrilled even. His goal had been to find him as soon as he left Deb's. To tell him how proud he was of him. He knew he'd get shit for that. That Brian hated people knowing what a good heart he really had… that he loved his family and friends…

He wanted to hug him… touch his face… tell him all the things he knew he couldn't and that Brian would never want to hear.

And when he had opened the door and found him there, he'd wanted to jump into his arms and kiss him. Fuck everything else.

But he'd seen it… a flash of something he'd only seen once before in Brian's eyes.

Fear.

It had been quick, and Justin had almost thought he'd made it up until Brian had entered and, as he had greeted everyone, Justin knew he had seen it right.

Brian was scared.

Of what?

Justin had no idea. The stranger Brian seemed to act… the bigger the knot in his stomach seemed to grow. It was when he had clutched to Gus… letting go only when he realized Justin was watching… that he knew something was really wrong.

And fuck if he wasn't going to find out what it was.

But he needed to get him alone -- so he had been relieved when Brian had mentioned the bathroom. He could corner him there, in that small space, and find out… one way or the other… what was going on.

He'd been two feet from him when Debbie had intercepted, and Justin had wanted to truly smack her on the head. Didn't she know that he needed to talk to Brian? Be with him…

The look that crossed Brian's face made Justin's insides clench, and he did the only thing he knew he could. What he knew Brian might have done for him.

He saved him.

"Hey. Now that everyone is here, I wanted to tell you all… I got my first showing!" The room erupted suddenly with claps, congratulations, and reprimands, wanting to know why he hadn't said anything sooner.

"I just found out today," he said after Debbie let him go, smiling at them all. "I didn't want to take away from celebrating Ted's good news." His eyes meant Brian's and he smiled at him in reassurance. He was off the hook for the moment.

"Honey, that so great!" Emmett threw his arms around him and Justin cringed, begging for salvation from Michael, who grinned at him and told Emmett to "let the kid fucking breathe."

Emmett obeyed, kissing Justin cheek soundly as he did. "When is it?"

"In a couple of weeks…at PIFA…it's a student show…not that big of a deal." Justin brushed it away, aware that now he would have a slew of people there for two lousy painting. Michael walked to him, brown eyes smiling at him.

He held out his hand to Justin. "Congratulations."

Justin stared at it, not sure why this was making him so uneasy. Michael had been downright nice to him the last few times they'd met, and he was now willingly doing this. He took his hand in his and nodded. "Thanks, Michael."

There was a flicker in Michael's eyes… something he seemed to want to say… but it was gone, and, after a moment, so was he. Justin watched him head to Ben, wrapping his arms around the taller man and kissing his cheek. They seemed to exchange some quiet words, and Justin wondered if they were about him.

He smiled when he felt warm arms wrap around him and a chin lean on his shoulder. He made out Lindsey's profile. "And you told me you were feeling uninspired. See! I told you."

That had been true. For weeks, he hadn't felt like painting… everything seeming contrite, forced… amateur… nothing like he knew he could produce. Until that night at Brian's… taking the pictures for the poster. He had run home and found that the only way to calm himself was by putting brush to canvas. He'd worked into the early morning light… the  
previously blaring white of canvas filled with tortured, muted colors…

He still wasn't sure what the hell it was saying to him… his latest work… but he didn't care to find out. He smiled at Lindsey as she pulled away, kissing his cheek. "Thanks, Linz."

Lindsey grinned, glancing around the room. "Where did Mel go? She should come congratulate you."

"I saw her head upstairs. Probably the bathroom?" Vic piped up and stood from his chair, patting Justin on the cheek as he headed to the kitchen. "Good job, kiddo."

Daphne gave him a huge smile from her seat on the floor where she was entertaining Gus. "You're just a genius, aren't  
you?"

He rolled his eyes at her…and it was then he realized that he didn't feel him in the room. He always could.

_Brian.___

He looked around, craning his neck to see if he was hiding behind… who the fuck would he be hiding behind?

He had wanted to give Brian time to recover from Debbie's assault, but his announcement had caused such a ruckus, he'd lost track of where Brian had gone.

Maybe he had left.

He brushed one hand over his face. "Shit."

Vic bumped into him on his way back into the living room, and Justin heard his soft whisper as he moved past him. "You know where he goes when it gets to be too much."

It took a moment before he understood what that had meant and his eyes fell to the back door. He did know. It was where they had always gone when he lived with Debbie and Brian had needed to get away. Forgetting his coat, Justin quietly snuck to the door, opening it slightly, keeping his eyes on the crowd in the living room as he tried to slide out, sight unseen.

It was in that halfway position that he heard the hushed voices in argument.

"I can't keep doing this, Brian."

"Mel, don't fucking-… It's your job."

"My job is to make sure you're taken care of. Not lying!"

"It's not lying."

"Brian! You can't keep this a secret forever."

"I won't." There was a deep inhale and Justin knew Brian was taking a long drag of his cigarette. Something he did for comfort….

"They can't handle it and you know it."

Justin heard the soft sigh of resignation from Mel and that knot in his gut seemed to coil tighter. What the fuck were they talking about? What couldn't who handle?

"When I have no other choice… when I have to, Mel… I promise I'll tell them."

There was a long silence.

"You could tell him…"

Justin jumped at the sharp "No!" that Brian nearly bellowed. After a pause, he said in a quieter but equally firm tone. "Nobody needs to know."

"He deserves to. He still loves you. Why, I have no fucking idea, but he does."

That was it. Justin pulled the door open and shut it sharply enough to get both their attentions. Two pair of guilty eyes looked at him. He moved closer, eyes trained on Brian's face. "What's going on?"

"What the fuck does it look like, Sunshine?" Brian sneered, waving the hand with his cigarette in the air.

"Uh-huh. Since when do the two of you take smoke breaks together? Hell, I've never known either one of you to willingly speak to the other. " He glanced at Mel, brow furrowing. "Isn't that-" he pointed at the cigarette, "-bad for the baby?"

He was fucking pissed.

Something was going on. Something Brian was hiding… and Mel knew.

She narrowed her eyes at Justin. "I'm not smoking the fucking thing." She sent Brian a sharp glance, their eyes communicating things that Justin couldn't understand. He bit his tongue, afraid that if he let out what he wanted to say, it would only make matters worse.

After a long moment of what Justin knew was a silent battle, Mel rolled her eyes and stomped past him and into the house, slamming the door.

Justin turned to look at his ex-lover. At the man he loved… had loved for so long… and he saw again what others couldn't. Wary, tired eyes that wouldn't look at him directly. Brian never avoided his eyes. It was what had made Justin love him so much. His fucking blunt honesty, the way his eyes would stare into Justin's and everything he would say meant more…

Even the things that shattered Justin's heart.

_I don't believe in love.___

Justin closed the distance between them, eyes still on Brian's face as he reached for the cigarette and tossed it to the ground.

"Debbie won't appreciate that, Sunshine."

_I believe in fucking.___

Justin reached one hand to Brian's face, pausing at the tremble that seemed to run through him, and turned it to look at his face. To look directly into those haunted eyes that hurt him to the core. He saw that moment of fear in them again, and that sick feeling in the pit of Justin's stomach sharpened.

He wanted to know.

"Tell me what the fuck is going on, Brian."

Justin brought both hands to Brian's face, forcing his head still. He met pained eyes and swallowed his own fear away, softly asking… begging. "Please, Brian. Tell me."

The air changed between them in that moment, and Justin knew -- fucking _felt_ it run through him -- when Brian was going to kiss him. Sharp and real and not some fucking dream…

And the next second, warm lips crashed on his… parting, conquering, licking and sucking… hands delving into his hair, tugging gently… He could taste Brian… smell him and touch him… and he forgot it all, because this wasn't a dream….

This was him. This was Brian.

This was them.

And, goddamn… it was so good and _real_ and the way it should be… and, for that moment, he surrendered to him… to them… to fucking fate…

To what he had run away from….


End file.
